tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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