Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
