i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
