you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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