If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
