I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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