i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
