I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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