My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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