My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
