I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
