Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
