What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
