I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
