she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
