you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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