So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
