enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Randomize
