so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
