you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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