Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
