im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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