McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
