This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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