Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
