you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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