Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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