I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
