This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
