thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
