We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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