So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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