mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
