She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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