I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
