I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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