My room smells like vodka and shame
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
