i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
