a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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