Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
