She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
