All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
