I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
