I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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