just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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