I'm going to jail i love you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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