I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
