Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
