You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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