If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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