i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
