Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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